I have gone back and forth many times on writing this post. I didn’t know if this should be something I should share with other or not. This will probably be a post that will probably surprise some people… but in the end, you will understand why. And please do not get me wrong. I do not want anything from writing this. I don’t want any sympathy and definitely not pity. I am strong. I am good. I have peace. I am happy.
There are many wonderful parts of life that I have gotten to experience. Many times over, I have gotten to know joy, laughter, heart, compassion, and peace. I know how it feels to love. I know how it feels to want another to be a part of your life. But, to really know this kind of love. To know what it feels like to have that love returned. To know what it feels like to finally meet that other half of your soul. This is the one thing that I have never known in my life. I fully believe that is not to be a part of my future. I have not been one who life has chosen to give that blessing. I know I am not one that another will look at as the one. I know I am not that beautiful diamond that will shine for another. I know I am not the sun shining on the past in the murky wood to help light their way. And that is ok. That is how it has to be.
Once I thought that I had a chance. I clung to that hope for over two years. Even when my hope dimmed to just a speck of what it once was I still clung on to that piece of hope as if it was my last drop of water. Eventually, anything I dreamed of was coldly and harshly ripped from my grasp. And was not able to have any closure to help me let go of that love, the hope that I had that maybe for once I might know. My little speck of light was finally snuffed out.
My heart bled. My body paid the price for keeping and holding on to that speck of hope for so long. There was no light left for me in the world. I let that little speck take over my world. Now when a tiny spark tries to light itself, I have learned to snuff it out before it has a chance to become anything more. I bury what it is I feel with my soul. I shroud myself with a protective blanket. I stay just below the surface of the water until I am forced to take a breath to live. I have become a master a keeping it all in check. A master of keeping the pain at bay.
But truly, it never leaves me. There is always the tiniest of sparks with in myself. And I do I let other things out, my compassion for life, my hope for our world’s future, my peace. But my hope for love is the one thing that I leave hidden deep within myself. Even now as I write this, letting this much of it come up to the surface is a dangerous thing. I put myself at risk of letting the pain and sadness overwhelm me again. If I let it get to big, it will take me a long time to push it all back down
again. If this is how it must be to help me get through life, then so be it.
So here is where I close the story. Here is where I retake control. Here is where I replace the veil of protection. I must, or the rest of me will suffer too. I choose to refocus my energies and help others to feel complete peace. I will help others to know at least a speck of hope. I will help others to know a bit of love. I have been blessed in many other ways. I know the love of friendship. I know the love of having a most wonderful mother. I know the love of being in nature. I know the love of hearing rain patter on the roof. I know the love of hearing music run straight into my heart. I know the love of waking up in the early hours and hearing the birds sing. I know all this, and it is enough. It has to be enough. So many have so less, and I am nothing but grateful. I am grateful for the joy, kindness, and compassion that I do know from this life.
Therefore, I end this in saying that if you know what it is to love, never take it for granted. But this is not for those of you who do know the love that I speak of. This is for others out there who feel alone. For those of you who feel desperate with hope. Who yearn to know it all. I say this, I hope every single one of you find what it is that you hope for in life. But for those of you that may not, know that you are not alone and know that you can get through. Yes, it is rough, but you will come up for air knowing that there is joy out there. We are all stronger than we realize. Love yourself. Be kind to yourself. And be the same to others, for you never know what they may be going through. Take what you do know, and be a shining beacon for others. Always try to help others know peace. Always try to help another at least know joy.
And no matter what, be you, for you are truly beautiful as you are!!!
With love…
New addition to post added below on 8/26/2010
I did not write this to say that nothing will ever happen for me... i don't know what the future holds. But i do know that there are times when I have felt this way and no it is not something that I am simply going through. Some people think that I am saying that fate will be this way. That was not my intention at all in writing this piece. I just wanted to simply say to others who may feel the same... you are not alone. Period.
By Chieko Ross ©
